During a family vacation years ago, my father said something that resonated with me so deeply, that I still think about it all the time, especially now that I'm a father of five.
My older brother, Wayne, and I were enjoying the sunshine together. (Wayne is not related to me by blood, but for years my father mentored him and he lived in my house so it felt like he was)
As we were relaxing, Wayne, who had recently become a father himself, was smiling quietly as he watched his newborn daughter sleeping peacefully in her bassinet.
My father was also there. He said to Wayne, “What are you thinking?”
With a longing look, Wayne confessed, “I just want to pick her up and hug her and kiss her so bad.”
“Why don’t you?” my dad asked.
“I don’t want to wake her,” Wayne replied, a common dilemma for any new parent.
It was at this moment that my dad imparted a piece of wisdom to Wayne that inadvertently became a cornerstone of my parenting philosophy:
He leaned in and said, “You should wake her.”
Then he explained:
“You’ll find that often, the moments you feel to embrace your child are because they made you feel good. Whether she did something right, pleased you, or did something adorable.
But if you only show affection when she 'deserves' it or when the timing seems to "call" for it, she might get the subconscious idea in her head that your affection is conditional on her actions.
Then, one day when she's grown she will make a big mistake, one that leaves her feeling deeply ashamed. In that moment, if her perception is that your love is based on her being "good" or doing "right," she's not going to call you for help. She's going to hide what she's done.
Because she might think that her mistake will make you see her differently. This fear may not even be conscious, but it can still start to erode her sense of self-worth.
Over time, it can get even worse. Human nature is such that once we sense a loss of status or affection, especially in the eyes of those we love, it becomes incredibly challenging to imagine regaining it.
That's why it's so vital to show love and affection when she has done nothing – to reinforce that your love is unconditional, and not at all tied to her actions.”
He then gave Wayne some advice, “So, when you feel the urge to show affection for no particular reason, follow it. You should wake her.”
Now, when I became a parent myself, the immense value in this lesson became more and more real to me. It’s not about disrupting naps, but about ensuring that our children feel loved and supported unconditionally.
By showing them love, not just when they've achieved something but simply because they exist, we teach them a powerful truth: They didn't do anything to earn our love, so they cannot do anything to lose it.
They didn't do anything to earn our love, so they cannot do anything to lose it.
In essence, this principle is about embracing those spontaneous moments of affection, reinforcing the message that our love and affection is a constant, not a reward.
This principle, which I first heard as a teenager by a poolside in Orlando Florida, has guided my journey through fatherhood.
It’s a lesson I hope resonates with every parent, a reminder of the profound impact of unconditional love in shaping the hearts and minds of our children.
They are not children for very long. You have to make the best of the moments you have with them.
Just last night I said to my son something I say to all of my kids often before they go to sleep. So by now, they've all learned the answer.
I asked my son, "Do you know why I love you so much?"
And he smiled and said... "Because I'm your son."
I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences on this topic. Your insights not only enrich our community but will also help others navigate similar challenges and ideas.
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Stay out of harm's way!
-Nathaniel
