Everyone wants to be happy, no matter our age or where we live; it's a universal desire. In fact, 'how to be happy' ranks as the fourth most popular 'how to be' search on Google.
We're all in search of ways to feel as good as possible, as often as possible. When most of us talk about being 'happy,' this "feeling" is exactly what we're talking about.
If we all want happiness so much, why does it seem so hard to find?
In this post, I'll explore the reasons behind this common struggle. More importantly, I'll share practical steps you can take to invite more happiness into your life. Together, we'll even move beyond the superficial, aiming for meaningful, lasting happiness.
Disclaimer
Before we dive in, I want to set the right expectations: this is not about quick fixes or gimmicks that promise instant happiness. Real progress requires effort, but I assure you, it's effort well spent. The mindset and strategies I'll share have not only transformed my life but have also proven effective for countless others. These principles, when applied, can significantly impact your happiness.
However, it's crucial to acknowledge that mental health is a complex issue. The approaches discussed here, while beneficial for many, might not be as accessible for those struggling with mental illness. Just as you wouldn't tell someone who's blind to simply try harder to see, understanding and addressing mental health requires specialized support beyond general advice.
If you're facing mental health challenges, I strongly encourage seeking guidance from a professional. What I'm about to share can offer value to anyone, but it's important to recognize when expert intervention is needed. Let's proceed with this understanding.
What's Included In This Post
The Search for Happiness
The idea that we all want to be happy is pretty straightforward, and I don't think anyone would argue with that.
We all aim for happiness, no matter our age or where we are in life. I actually stumbled upon an interesting fact that made this even clearer to me, all thanks to a simple Google search.
A few years back, I wanted to learn the proper way to boil an egg. I wasn't sure about the exact time it needed, so I turned to Google for help.
When you start typing something into Google, it tries to guess what you're looking for by showing you the most common searches that start with the same words. It's like getting a sneak peek at what everyone else is asking Google and what searches are most popular.
So, there I was, typing "how to b..." into Google and the first suggestion Google made was "how to boil an egg," which was exactly what I was looking for.
But what caught my attention was the third"auto-fill" suggestion: The search phrase: "how to be happy." That moment was eye-opening. (PS, while the rankings change, as of writing this blog post it's still ranked 4th when you type "how to be" into google)
The fact that "how to be happy" was and is such a popular search (still searched over 90,000 per month globally) showed me just how many people out there are looking for happiness.
If so many of us are searching for happiness, it must mean that a lot of us aren't feeling happy. We might have some happy moments, but there's a general sense that we're not happy all the time, and that means some people don't likely feel happy at all.
What Is Happiness?
So, why is happiness so hard to find? To start answering that, we need to really think about what happiness is, and what it means to us.
Most of the time, when people say they're happy, they're talking about feeling good or being satisfied with how things are going. Happiness is that warm feeling of joy or the quiet sense of satisfaction we get.
And although it can show up in different forms like contentment, or joy, or pleasure... the important thing is that it's a personal experience, something we "feel."
The Source of Happiness
The big question we all need to ask ourselves is, where does our happiness come from? Is it from things outside of us, like other people, our jobs, or stuff we own? Or does it come from inside, based on how we choose to see ourselves and the world around us?
It's crucial to figure this out because our happiness can't fully depend on both external and internal sources. I had to ask myself this tough question, and honestly, I didn't love the answer.
I realized a lot of my happiness was hanging on things I couldn't control. I found too many excuses for why I wasn't happy. It felt like I was always saying, "Life's not fair," or "This isn't my fault." It was a way for me to avoid taking responsibility for my own happiness.
The "If-Then" Trap
I also caught myself in the "if-then" trap a lot. You know, thinking, "If I just had that, then I'd be happy," or "If this person did this, then I'd feel better." But that kind of thinking never really ends, and it doesn't get you closer to being happy.
At some point, we have to look at ourselves and decide what we believe about our own happiness. We can't keep blaming the outside world or waiting for everything to be perfect.
Part of growing up and maturing is making choices about how we want to live and what we want to believe, especially as it concerns our happiness. We can't let every little thing throw us off. Trust me, you don't want to live like that.
How to Be Happy
Let's talk about how most of us teach children because it really opened my eyes to what I was getting wrong about happiness. We all agree on teaching children to be grateful, kind, and respectful. We tell them to show respect and gratitude.
But think about it, how do we actually teach them these values? It's not like we can just say, "Boom, you're respectful now," and expect them to understand what that means.
Instead, we lead by example. We show them by saying "please" and "thank you," guiding them on what to say and how to act. At first, kids don't really get why they're saying "please" or "thank you"—they're just copying what they see.
But after a while, they start to understand the meaning behind these words, and it becomes second nature to them because we've shown them how to do it through our actions.
Now, here's a thought: we teach kids all these important values by demonstrating them, but do we teach them how to be happy?
We might tell them to "be happy" or ask, "Why can't you be happy?" But if a child is feeling down, telling them to just "be happy" without showing them how doesn't really help.
It's kind of odd when you think about it—expecting them to understand how to be happy without actually teaching them, sometimes even getting upset with them for not being happy. It shows we're not really teaching them about happiness at all.
Happiness: A Possession or a Choice
Why don't we approach teaching happiness in the same way we teach gratitude, kindness, or respect? My thought is that we often see happiness not as a choice but as something you either have or you don't, like a possession that comes from other events or achievements. We don't usually talk about happiness as if it's something we can choose or influence directly.
When we teach children to be kind, we don't just tell them to be kind; we show them through our actions, guiding them to practice kindness themselves. Over time, as they repeatedly practice kindness, it becomes a part of who they are.
The same goes for gratitude. But with happiness, we tend to treat it differently. We often imply it's a byproduct of something else, not something that can be practiced directly.
Practicing Happiness
Yet, if you think about it, the way to learn anything, including kindness or gratitude, is by practicing. We become what we practice. If you practice being anxious, for example, it becomes second nature. I've seen people who can go from "zero to anxious" with very little effort because they've practiced that response so much.
So, if we want to be happy, shouldn't we then practice happiness?
It stands to reason that happier parents raise happier children, not just through genetics but through the behaviors they model.
Children raised in a happy environment learn to be happy by observing and mimicking those around them. So they learn to practice happiness more easily because it's what they are exposed to every day.
This isn't to say that practicing happiness can instantly solve all problems or that it's always easy. Like any skill, it takes time and effort to cultivate. But by demonstrating happiness as a practice—just as we do with kindness and gratitude—we teach our children that happiness is within their control, not just a random gift of circumstance.
Therefore, as parents or influencers of young minds, it's crucial to be mindful of what we're modeling. Our actions teach much more about happiness than our words ever could.
By actively practicing happiness, we not only become happier ourselves but also pass on those lessons to the next generation, showing them that happiness, much like kindness or gratitude, is a choice and a practice.
The Energy for Happiness
Choosing to be happy isn't just about chasing happy feelings; those feelings are more like the bonus that comes after making the choice. It's crucial to recognize that deciding to be happy actually requires effort, it requires energy.
Since our energy isn't unlimited, it can be challenging at first to summon the energy needed for happiness. When something great happens to us, the joy we feel comes easily because the situation itself boosts our spirits - the situation actually provides the energy needed. But when faced with difficulties, there's no energy provided — so we have to create it ourselves.
This is where the concept of happiness as a practice comes in. It's similar to exercising a muscle. The first time you try something challenging, like a pushup, it feels nearly impossible. You pour all your energy into it and might barely manage one.
But with consistent effort, what was once hard becomes much easier. This analogy applies to happiness too; by practicing it regularly, especially during hard times, you build up your ability to tap into happiness even when life doesn't hand it to you.
The journey towards happiness is more about the steps you take than reaching a final destination of being perpetually happy. It's better to aim for small, incremental improvements in your happiness rather than expecting to transform overnight.
If you're not feeling great now, the goal is to feel a bit better, step by step. In other words, don't aim for "happy", aim for "happier." This might take a long time, but the point is that improving your mood is something you can start doing right now.
How to Practice Happiness
You might be wondering, "How exactly do I practice happiness? What does that look like?" Well, it's about taking actionable steps toward creating a happier state of mind, even in small ways, and I'm here to guide you through how to do just that.
Let's explore some practical steps to incorporate happiness into your daily routine.
Step 1 - Acknowledge The Source of Happiness
Step one to being happier is really understanding where it comes from. It all starts with realizing that happiness comes from inside you—it's your choice to make. You have to let go of the idea that your happiness depends on things or people around you.
Sure, bad stuff happens that we can't control, and yes, those things can make us feel terrible. But the only thing you truly have control over is yourself: how you act, how you think, and how you react to what life throws at you. Believing you can control anything else is just fooling yourself.
I'm not saying ignore the bad things or pretend they don't hurt. That would be ridiculous. For example, if you get hurt physically, it might not be your fault, and it's normal to feel pain.
But if you spend all your time focusing on that hurt, not taking care of yourself, and letting bitterness take over, then you're choosing to stay stuck in that pain. You didn't choose to get hurt, but you do choose how to deal with it afterward.
So, acknowledging you're the source of your happiness means taking charge of how you respond to life's ups and downs. It's about choosing your attitude and your actions, even when things are tough.
If you can't accept that, then the rest of what I have to say might not help you. This step is crucial: Decide to believe that your happiness is in your hands. If you're not ready to do that, then this message might not be for you. There are plenty of other blogs or sources that might tell you happiness is out of your control and you're a victim, but that's not what I'm here to do.
Step 2 - Disconnect Your Goals From Your Happiness
Step two is to stop thinking you need to achieve certain goals before you can be happy. This idea is tied to those "if-then" thoughts, like "If I just do this, then I'll be happy," or "If I only had that, I'd be happy." It's important to move away from believing your happiness depends on your accomplishments.
Having goals is great, and being passionate about reaching them is important. But your happiness shouldn't hinge on whether you achieve these goals or not. There are too many things outside your control that can affect your goals.
Tying your happiness to achievements or things you can't control invites negativity into your life. If you don't reach your goal, you might feel like you've lost something that was never truly yours, which can lead to feelings of bitterness or resentment.
Think of it like this: There's a moment in Star Wars where Yoda gives advice to Anakin (who later becomes Darth Vader) about resisting the dark side. He says, "Let go of everything you fear to lose." It may be a science fiction movie, but it couldn't be more accurate and applicable to happiness.
By letting go of the belief that certain achievements or possessions will make you happy, you protect yourself from unnecessary misery. Your happiness comes from within, not from external accomplishments or possessions. Disconnecting your happiness from your goals frees you from the pressure of needing those achievements to be happy.
Step 3 - Choose Happiness
Step three is simply this: Choose to be happy. (I said it was simple, not easy.)
It's a decision you need to make consciously. Try writing it down, talking about it, or even just reminding yourself every morning.
Tell yourself, "Today, I choose to be happy. My happiness is up to me."
I created a simple mantra that I would recite for times when this feels hard: "I can't control what happens, but I can control how I respond to what happens"
Whenever life threw challenges my way, or if someone said something hurtful, instead of reacting negatively, I'd repeat this mantra.
It helped me remember that even if I can't control others or certain situations, I can always control my response. This mindset doesn't just apply when things go wrong; it's about maintaining your happiness no matter what happens around you.
So, commit to this choice of happiness. Decide that no matter what others say or do, you'll focus on keeping your happiness intact. It's all about how you respond to the ups and downs of life.
Step 4 - Continue Practicing
Step four is about repetition and continued practice. Keep actively working on your happiness every day. There will be times you slip up or forget, and that's completely normal.
The key is to forgive yourself quickly, learn from it, and jump back into practicing happiness. Over time, you'll find it gets easier to maintain a happy outlook, and you'll bounce back faster from setbacks.
Remember, forgiving yourself will also become simpler with practice. You'll be less harsh on yourself for any mistakes or down moments. I, among many others, can vouch for the effectiveness of this approach. Success in staying happy doesn't mean you won't ever feel sad or need help; it means you're better at finding joy, peace, and contentment during tough times.
Aiming to be a little happier each day is what counts, not striving for constant happiness. This journey ensures that, over time, you become a more fulfilled, mature person who can choose happiness even when it seems impossible. Keep practicing, don't give up on being proactive about your happiness, and you'll see significant progress in your ability to stay happy.
Taking Charge of Your Happiness
Have you ever noticed someone who seems to be happy all the time, even when there doesn't seem to be a clear reason for their happiness? I used to feel jealous of such people, wondering what secret they knew that I didn't. Why were they so happy and I wasn't?
This feeling comes from seeing happiness as something you either have or you don't, like a special possession that some people luck into and others miss out on.
This way of thinking makes all those quick happiness hacks and books promising instant joy so appealing. We love the idea that happiness is just something we haven't stumbled upon yet. If we find the right tip or trick, we'll suddenly be happy forever.
It's comforting to think that we're not happy because we're just missing something, not because of anything we've done wrong. It lets us off the hook, making us victims of circumstance rather than architects of our own feelings.
But truly being in control of your happiness means taking full responsibility for it, including the times when you're not feeling happy. This doesn't mean you should beat yourself up for feeling down. We all feel bad at times. It's about how you respond to those low moments, the choices you make, and what you focus on. It's about taking action towards happiness, not waiting for it to magically appear.
The Forms of Happiness
It's important to remember that happiness is not always experienced in the form of joy (even though that's the only form many people seem to care about). Often, the choice to be happy is actually about choosing to be content, finding peace amidst chaos, and accepting difficult situations with a calm heart.
This kind of contentment can exist even when you're facing tough times or feeling pain. It's not about enjoying the suffering, but recognizing you have the power to control your response to it.
When I talk about learning to be happier, I don't mean trying to feel joyful every single moment—that's not realistic. But by practicing happiness, you'll find it becomes easier to access that sense of peace and contentment when you really need it.
Just like preparing for a physical challenge by working out, the effort you put into cultivating happiness and contentment pays off. In moments of crisis or difficulty, you'll be thankful for the strength and resilience you've developed, making tough situations feel more manageable because you've practiced facing them with a contented heart.
Key Takeaways
Alright, let's quickly go over the main points to remember if you want to be happier:
Acknowledge The Source of Your Happiness: Understand that you're the one who controls your happiness. It's not about what others do or what you have; it's about realizing you're the one who makes you happy.
Disconnect Your Goals From Your Happiness: It's good to have goals, but your happiness shouldn't depend on reaching them. Enjoy the journey without tying your joy to the destination.
Choose Happiness: Decide every day that you're going to be happy. It's a choice you make, not something that just happens.
Continue Practicing Happiness: Practice being happy regularly. It's not a one-off thing. Find ways to bring more smiles and positive vibes into your life and your home. Keep reminding yourself to focus on happiness, no matter what's happening around you.
I hope these insights inspire you to take control of your happiness and practice it daily. Remember, true happiness is a choice, not a possession: and it's made up of the choices we make every day.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Have you tried any of these strategies? Do you have your own tips for finding happiness in daily life? Share your experiences and ideas in the comments below.
Also, listen to the podcast episode of "How to Be Happy" in the player below, or on this page.
